Wintery Knight

…integrating Christian faith and knowledge in the public square

How Christian women can make Christian men marry without using sex appeal

I just want to jot down a few points about this in brief – this will not be a comprehensive treatment. This is a rush job – I’m leaving things out, it will probably come across as very insulting and scatter-brained.

First, I am addressing this to women who are interested in marriage and children. If you are a woman and you are not interested in marriage and children, this will be no good to you. The reason why is because this method only works for men who are interested in marriage and children.

I’m addressing this to an imaginary Christian woman, whom I will henceforth refer to as “you”.

The wrong approach

Here are some things that women do wrong when trying to get a man to marry.

  • choosing a man based on non-Christian criteria or just selfishness
  • choosing a man based on his appearance of first impressions
  • choosing a man based on whether he is fun and popular
  • thinking that Christianity is a check box on an application form, rather than a 3-hour exam
  • thinking of marriage as bliss that will work out somehow, without planning and effort
  • not understanding what men are really like
  • not understanding what children are really like
  • not understanding what the Bible has to say about marriage
  • thinking that you can make a man love you by using sex appeal or sex itself
  • thinking that acting like a man is what a man wants

In short, marriage should be understood as a task, requiring planning by both partners, as well as study, skills and a will. You’re not picking a man, you’re picking a plan, the plan that you think will help God the most. And there is absolutely no need to resort to sex or alcohol or anything order to discuss these things. What actually works on me is writing me a good long essay about anything. Because marriage is more about communication and relationships than anything else. You can have intimacy without alcohol just by turning the conversation to topics that matter and writing about them.

The lever

Since you will not be using sex, you might as well get clear on what you can use. You can use three things.

  • The Bible, theology, church history and apologetics
  • The man’s own plan to marry and the steps he’s taken so far
  • Your own willingness to do whatever it takes to make your relationship please God

The basic idea is that you are going to find out what marriage in a Christian context is about. Then you are going to find out the man’s plan for marriage within the context of his Christian worldview. Then you are going to convince him that the most rational thing to do in order to achieve his plan is to marry you. You’re going to convince him that he will get a much higher degree of success with you, than without you. Not to mention the possibility of you bearing children and then helping him to parent children who will also count for God.

You’re the helper

Biblically, the role of the woman in the marriage is supposed that of helper. That doesn’t mean that you cannot have your own plan as well, it just means that the way you are going to have a relationship with a man is by helping him with his plan. And in order to help him with his plan, you have to talk to him about his plan. You have to show him that he isn’t going to get dragged away from his high ideals by you if he marries you. On the contrary – you are going to catapult him into the stars, in ways he cannot even imagine.

Here’s what you can do.

  • convince yourself that Christianity is true by studying apologetics, etc.
  • read about chivalry, romance and courtly love
  • get used to the idea that God comes above your own needs and desires
  • begin to view men as tools for serving God instead of tools for serving you
  • learn to evaluate men on the quality of their plans and whether it will help God
  • spend time writing and talking to the man about his plan (eye contact talking)
  • learn to hold your temper in check in order to gain his confidence
  • study to find out more about his goals, and how to achieve them
  • study to find out more about what forces are working against him
  • buy him things to help him with his plan
  • assign him tasks to do that you think will help him to serve God better
  • think of solutions to problems that he is facing and tell him
  • solve those problems and then report to him that the problems are solved
  • form his character by approving and affirming Christian/family behaviors
  • practice evangelism and apologetics to show that you care about nurturing other people’s worldviews
  • take on difficult long-term commitments like starting a business, being a missionary, earning degrees

Who wouldn’t want to have someone around who really knows them, who they can really talk to, and who is always improving their character and helping them to solve problems? The more you study what he is doing and learn things that can help him, the more he will want to have you around everywhere he goes. Every skill you get has potential for solving problems that you both may face when you start a family. It’s actually a very good idea to collect useful skills, make money and have a plan of your own. And I’ll explain why.

Nothing impresses a man more than a woman who is passionate, but rational, about some issue bigger than her own needs. Look at Michele Bachmann and Jennifer Roback Morse. Men are chivalrous. They want to protect and provide for women who are chaste and honorable. But they don’t want to waste time on women who are not engaged in some sort of noble enterprise. And they don’t want to waste time trying to commit to a woman who tries to manipulate them by rushing them into sex, either. Working on your own plan communicates to a man that you are more interested in helping God than in your own needs.

Women should be able to persuade people without getting personal or straying from arguments and evidence. Standing up for your view should be easy for you, but don’t overpower the man just to get your way. Ideally, you should win arguments with him because your ideas are just plain more effective at serving God than his ideas. Of course, if you think he’s right, then go along with him, by all means. I have actually gotten to the point with two women where arguing is a recreational activity than always ends in compliments for them about how happy I am that I can be myself with them. And that’s what a man really wants, anyway.

Marriage and children

But there’s more to being a helper than that. There’s the duties of a wife and mother. Marriage today is an enormous risk and responsibility for a man. The way to persuade a man to marry is to show him that you have studied his concerns, that his concerns are actually much worse than he knows, and that you have solutions to all of his problems. Show him that you have studied these things in detail, that you have written about these concerns passionately in public, and that you are serious about solving them. If you can’t solve the problems, (e.g. – hate crime bills, taxes for public schools), then show him that you are informed about these issues, on his side, and have at least spoken or written passionately about it somewhere public.

Here are some ideas for learning how to be a good wife and mother.

  • study what men think about wives, marriage and children
  • study threats to marriage from taxes, family courts, public schools, etc.
  • study the risks that men are taking on by deciding to marry and become fathers
  • think and write about how you can make your husband and children a gift for God
  • understand the proper care and feeding of husbands and children – how do they thrive?
  • practice taking care others – plants, cars, friends, pets, elderly, children, the poor
  • study to find out what divorce does to men and children
  • study what fatherlessness does to a child
  • study to understand the competition for liberty and resources between family and state
  • practice arguing with men about facts and policies, disregarding your own person, and focusing on the arguments
  • you should absolutely abhor feminism and argue against it at every opportunity
  • be ready to drop everything at a moment’s notice and focus your attention on your relationship

Remember, the way that you treat a man in terms of encouraging and supporting his plan is the main way that you tell him two things: 1) that you will continue to do this after the marriage, so that he doesn’t have to give up his noble plan, and 2) that you will be encouraging and supporting his children towards their goals, so that he can have complete confidence in leaving the children with you until they get old enough for him to take over more of the parenting, (say, age 6 and on). If you help him, then pleasing you will become part of his plan.

It is extremely important to a man that he can trust you to teach the children right from wrong, and the Christian faith, especially when it goes against your compassionate feminine nature. I have actually seen this done, where a mother understands parenting and child development so much that she won’t yield to a screaming disobedient child because he has to learn the habits that will see him on to a Ph.D in physics. What’s even more fun is when she explains to you why she’s doing it, and where she studied it. That what makes a man happy.

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28 Responses

  1. 25 says:

    What a helpful article. Thank you (so much!) for laying out a standard frame – this is exactly what I was looking for. Wished I had it when I was younger.

  2. karishya okama says:

    It is nice topic to us (young),so we must take care

  3. TL says:

    ”Biblically, the role of the woman in the marriage is supposed that of helper.”

    Here’s where you’ve got your first problem. This concept arose out of confusion over English versus the Hebrew. The words translated ezer kenegdo mean help (versus diminuitive helper/assistant) facing. Ezer is a strong word used only 21 times and always of either God’s help or help in battle. The help is strong help, helping one in need. It is never an assistant to one who is strong. Kenegdo is an equalizing word from neged. It infers equality. IOW the help that God provided the man to alay his aloneness is fitting, and equal to the man. This is why Adam sprang forth into exultant song about how the one from him is of his own flesh and bones. She fits him because she is of him. She is of the same ‘stuff’.

    ”the way you are going to have a relationship with a man is by helping him with his plan.”

    This also is contrary to the purpose of marriage. It is not all about the man, or even primarily about the man. This is why marriages fail. Young women madly in love will accept this concept in their youthful lusts, but later on realize that living another’s life just isn’t enough.

    Marriage is about two becoming and living as one. It involves becoming deep and intimate friends, whose interactions with each other improve and support. And of course, communication is huge.

    ”Women should be able to persuade people without getting personal or straying from arguments and evidence. Standing up for your view should be easy for you, but don’t overpower the man just to get your way. Ideally, you should win arguments with him because your ideas are just plain more effective at serving God than his ideas. Of course, if you think he’s right, then go along with him, by all means. I have actually gotten to the point with two women where arguing is a recreational activity than always ends in compliments for them about how happy I am that I can be myself with them. And that’s what a man really wants, anyway.”

    I liked this.

  4. Alisha says:

    I think most of what you write here Wintery is valid, but as a woman, I’d flip the script a bit. I’d START with advising a woman to make sure her relationship with God is on point. She’s not going to be doing much good to herself or a potential mate if her foundation is rocky.

    I think it’s unwise for a woman to try to better herself with the main purpose of attracting a mate, even a Godly one. Why? Let’s say she doesn’t marry at 30? Or 35? Or 40? Well, if that woman had in heart to get a husband, let me tell you, her relationship with God will suffer. I’ve seen it happen repeatedly.She starts to feel God isn’t answering her prayers or gets angry with Him. She might even start thinking “It’s time to split with this whole church thing, because if I ever want to meet a man, there aren’t too many here!” And in reality, there are usually far more women and kids in churches than men.

    Now, I know you weren’t necessarily addressing this entry to that “type” of Christian woman, but I wanted to mention it. Know the Bible for yourself, Ladies. Know the Lord for yourself. Develop a relationship with Christ and you’ll be able to endure all the trials that you’ll face, whether you’re single or married. It’s fine to be marriage minded, but be about “Christ, and Him crucified” first and foremost.

    Next I’d say work on educating yourself. Again, not for necessarily attracting a husband. But you should be able to defend your faith and values. I don’t think it’s charming in men or women when they say they are a Christian, but can’t tell you if Jesus or Moses parted The Red Sea. You just sound stupid. READ. Don’t like that? The Bible is available for download on your MP3!

    Know how to speak and write. On this blog I tend to write very “down home”, but I know how to write professionally, too. Also, know what’s going on in the world. I’m not going to push a person to align to any political party, but if they say they are, I’d hope they have a better answer than “Cause my parents are.” The stupid girl Paris Hilton-thing isn’t attractive in real life.

    Lastly, position yourself to be in a place where the type of husband you wish to have will be. This could be anywhere, but it’ll probably be the places you frequent most. I met my husband at work- a job I WOULD NOT have had I not worked hard in college and graduated. I also attended poetry readings, young people’s church events and church retreats. Not on the hunt for a husband, but to better myself. So when I did begin a relationship with my husband- the same guy I had small conversations with and even laughed with for TWO WHOLE YEARS BEFORE God must have removed the blindness from eyes to allow me to truly see him- I was ready for him, and he was ready for me.

    So, to make this very long comment short:

    1. Have a true relationship with God.
    2. Know why you are following the Lord and be prepared to make a defense of your faith.
    3. Have a life. Read. Go to school. Pursue your interests. Work hard. Be balanced.

    And in all things, honor Him.

    *stepping down from my soapbox*

    • Marcy K. says:

      Absolutely! Great advice. And like everyone else I wish I had it when I was younger. Actually, when I was younger I did not have a relationship with the Lord and was not religious. I wasn’t bad by any means, but religion and religious men were not on my radar. I allowed the Lord into my life a couple of years after I married my wonderful but non-religious husband. It has been a struggle for me to reconcile those two areas of my life. Having a relationship with God before a relationship with a spouse, so you can pick a godly spouse, is very important.

  5. MKNZ says:

    Seen this? http://www.girlsgonewise.com/archives/3380

    It’s helpful for those women who don’t know what to look for.

  6. Dominica says:

    I have read a few of your posts and have a few comments. As a married Christian woman of 12 years and homeschooling mother of four girls, I think you have the woman’s role pretty well defined and your expectations are mostly reasonable. However, I would like to see a post of what you understand your role to be in the marriage. You have spoken well about your role as a Christian male and how this relates to God. I have not seen anything that really indicates to a perspective bride that YOU are what SHE would be looking for in a Christian man. You have not detailed how you plan to lead your family. In particular how you will provide her with the tools she needs to manage your home. What resources will be available to her (not just money, but how much of your time will she be able to have, how much backing with discipline, how you will communicate, how will you maintain the areas of the home that she is unable to do, etc.) How will you continue to feed, lead, and provide for your relationship with communication and love (you addressed how she would provide sex). In short, we know what kind of woman you want (and I think you’ve got it just about right). Now we need to know what kind of HUSBAND you are going to be. Don’t tell me about your career goals,learning, or how you are going to use it to serve God (assume we’re sold on that score). Tell me about how you plan to fulfill God’s role for you as a husband.

    • mike singer says:

      This is a great question….

      “Tell me about how you plan to fulfill God’s role for you as a husband.”

      Please indulge me to answer this..

      I think you are looking for something too specific and overlooking the obvious. With that being said, you might want to look at the “rules of courtship” and there lies the bulk of the answer. To summarize it – it involves on putting God first and foremost and to live as honest to goodness Christians vs. lukewarm average church goers that( btw, in review of the scriptures – Christ prefers atheist’s over luke-warm Christians).

      Moving forward, the foundation of Christian marriage is Christ first and the husband honoring the wife and the wife honoring the husband. There is a a lot more scriptures but that is the essence of it. What now occurs is a “mystery” as Paul describes it as the each are built up in Christ and Christ as well as the body of Christ is being built ( I don’t have the time to go into details but it is well laid out in the gospels and further explained by Paul).

      A real marriage to where this is happening is very difficult and requires the Gods Holy Spirit to accomplish it. However, two people who God are listening to God and want His will and are sensitive to the Spirits leading and have enough integrity, character, experience and guts to follow a discipleship path (among many other things).

      To simplify, man provides structure and woman provides the heart, home, and joy. Both are needed and both are equally important.

      The result is a very beautiful thing when done in Christ – otherwise it is mess as it is quite evident by the failure of so many marriages.

      To sum it up, courtship that is based on Christian principles /discipleship is a step in the right direction and if continued in Christ vs. a worldly/sensual approach.

    • I’m working on this.

  7. maame says:

    HI. 27. Been married to a wonderful man since March 19th 2011. Its been 9 great months except for one thing. Before i met my husband, i always had a picture of my ideal man…and that definitely included 6-pack abs..but if that was strectching it, i’d completely settle for anything flat..not a pot-belly, cuz that really puts me off. My husband now, then my friend actually had a bit of spinal scoliosis and lordosis, which made him look like he had a pot belly. Apparently he didnt realise how bad it was till i took a picture of it one day so he could see what i was seeing. I asked him to do some excercises to make things better as a pot was a big turn off for me. he promised…its been over 3 years…we’re married now…and work has taken its toll on him…cuz together we have targets to achieve.
    My problem now is, seeing him wear a tee or even without a shirt on and with that belly poking out ..is such a turn off for me…i am mostly not in the mood for sex..seriously…to think when u’r not married..its somthing u cnt wait to do…it’s having a toll on our marriage. Everytime we’ve done it, i’v had to make myself do it…I wish seeing my man was enough to make me want him sexually, but its not.. it gets harder each day..especially as i had a miscarriage 25th dec 2011….now i’m not in the mood at alll. i tried talking to him about this issue today but he seemed upset and said i didnt appreciate that he didnt have time and was making sacrifices to give us a better life…that he’d work on the abs when he got time….but i’m thinking…its been over 3 yrs since he made that promise…and has nothing to show for it! I’m tormented! i want to want my husband and not feel liek sex is a task! Pls help!!!

  8. Mike Singer says:

    WK, if you would permit me answer this.. I do feel I have a little bit of experience on this.
    Given my marriage experience, healthy guy (6 pack abs), and a Christian perspective.

    Allow me to ask some questions.
    Do “you” have a six pack or in great shape ?
    Are “you” willing to participate and help?
    Do “you” really know what you are asking for ?
    What do “you” think the consequences would be ? (IMPORTANT)
    Do “you” realize what is entailed is getting a “six pack” ?
    Do “you” realize what is entailed is keeping a “six pack” ?
    Are “you” ready for a radical lifestyle change ?
    Are “you” willing to help yourself ?
    Do “you” think that physical appearance is “all that” a marriage consist of ?
    Are “the both of you” willing to seek professional Christian marriage counseling ?
    Do “you” know there are times your husband finds you unattractive ?
    Do ‘you” see the inside of your husband ?
    Have “you” prayed to Jesus for help ?
    Have “you” prayed to Jesus make your husband more attractive to you ?

    The last two are really important.

    Do you realize what you are asking for is a huge commitment and a massive lifestyle change that requires a incredible amount of discipline, motivation, for the both of you.
    Your participation and help is required.
    There are also consequences that you are not aware of and can be detrimental to the relationship. I did this during my marriage and my ex-wife hated it- it was too disciplined of a lifestyle for her.

    Btw, before you even think it – there is no such thing as all things in moderation in lifestyle what you are asking for.

    In addition you may want to pray and ask Jesus why.
    The reason is you might want to consider what you are asking for.
    Yes it will make him more attractive to you and OTHER WOMEN. Other women will hit on him with you present- you have better be very secure with yourself.

    It takes a incredible amount of character and integrity for a man to turn away other women and dress modestly. Btw, God really spoke to me on dressing modestly and not showing off ( even a little bit like polo shirt). It was a source of pride – When I prayed – it was either cover it (lose the attention / pride) or lose Him. Needless to say, I choose to keep it cover ( ie long sleeve shirts to cover the arms).

    Before I answer or go further you may want to consider what the consequences are. It will change him and may introduce a incredible amount of pride which will be harmful to the relationship. Women are rather insecure and don’t like it when the man gets more attention from the opposite sex than they do. Trust me on this one.

    There is more but I will stop for now. Let me know if you would like more information.

    • maame says:

      thanks Mike. That was very insightful. i appreciate ur thoughts. i AM very secure…I am more than willing to help if he’d take the initiative. The problem is that he’s not made a single effort and that bugs me…like i said earlier…i dnt want to feel obliged to have sex the rest of our marriage when i’m not really in the mood…i want to be attracted to him so i can initiate. And oh Mike…Jesus has heard my wailing on this matter….maybe not to the point of the woman who pestered that judge(prolly shd be aiming at that). it’s just really frustrating when u share with ur partner what u consider important n they seem to throw it away like its rubbish!

      Wld love to hear more from you. thanks again.

  9. Mike Singer says:

    Allow me to say “welcome to marriage”. I think you might have misunderstood my reply. Allow me to bit a tad more direct.

    You married and vowed for better or worse as did he. I sincerely hope you didn’t marry a man you wen’t attracted to for a venal relationship. What is the basis of the relationship as well as attraction ?

    If your guy is working, treats you well, doesn’t do drugs, gamble, porn, integrity, and doesn’t carouse around then you have a good man. How do you think he feels busting his butt to pay the bills to support you and the house ? He is “obligated” What would happen if he didn’t “feel” like it ? After you have a child, you are not even come close to looking like you did prior- if you have a good man – he will love you just the same.

    I have heard women complain about their husbands for the most ridiculous reasons ( these are good men imo) and I came upon the conclusion – some people are impossible to make happy. The question is what is the next complaint ?

    You are being “tempted” and your expectations are unreasonable whether you agree or not. It is a radical lifestyle change that requires a mind boggling amount of discipline and self control ( something sorely lacking America). Even if he did – I would suspect minimum 1-2 years to get to what you are asking.

    To have a “six pack” ( ie less than 1% of men in the population) requires single digit body fat of 4%-7% and is next to near impossible to keep year round “naturally”. A mans testostorone drops too low when body fat drops – not a good idea if you want children.

    I strongly suggest professional Christian marriage counseling and be honest. I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg and there are other issues ( again – welcome to marriage:). Chances are he has some issues with you too. Imo, I think you are looking at “something/someone” and wish it was yours.

    Btw, marriage isn’t about you. Take a look at Titus 2:3-5
    Older women … teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children… discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands…

    There is a learning curve – get used to it

    A reasonable expectation is “do the best with what you have”

    Btw, I forgot who said this but marriage is meant to perfect you as a saint. There is a reason why Paul warned against it and stayed single.

    • maame says:

      I get where you’re coming from and where you’re headed. My husband and i dated nearly 2 years before we got married. He IS a good man in all the ways u said. We did communicate about him working on the abs way back before we even dated..he agreed ..my problem is..since then he hasn’t lifted a finger on that issue. Oh i appreciate all the extra work he does to keep us comfortable..we’re both doctors..he’s a dentist. I’m a medical doctor.Technically he’s to close earlier than me and not work weekends, but he does extra private work too..sometimes even on sundays..the only day we actually get together (when i’m not at the ER on a sunday). All i want is for my husband to say…”honey, i want to work out..or i want us to do it together when we’re both free”..remember i said, before i met him, my ideal man was to have a “six pack” but i didnt mind anything that wasn’t a six pack so long as it wasn’t a POT!

      It’s just nice to have your partner keep their word to u…or make the effort. I love my husband and i’m committed to him…if i looked only at the physical…i really wouldn’t be married to him. I believe that marriage needs work and communication. I’v communicated my desires to my husband, not necessarily to have a six pack as much as to get rid of the pot…but he’s been silent and unreactive…and that’s what hurts me. i’m more than willing to work out together with him..will help us both.

    • Francine says:

      Here’s the thing that gets me about comparing sex to “any other duty”.

      Take doing the laundry. Doing the laundry in our household is one of my duties in our marriage. And I have no qualms calling it a “chore” because that’s what it is. I don’t say, hey I have a couple spare hours, you know what I would *love* to do? The laundry! When I’m doing it, it’s because it needs to get done, and I need to do it, so I willingly and not-bitterly do it. But is it something that brings me pleasure, satisfaction? Because it brings me closer to my husband and builds our marriage? Not really. It’s just another chore.

      Saying these kinds of things about doing the laundry is natural and to be expected, and will have no harm on my relationship with my husband. Using my hands and “body” to sort, fold and put away clothes will not have any affect on my feelings about my own personal comfort and satisfaction with my body. But I don’t think either of us, my husband or myself, would want me to say these kinds of things about intimacy with my husband. If I called it a “chore”. A “duty” that I did because otherwise we’d have a mess on our hands. Something that I wasn’t “bitter” about doing, but never brought me pleasure. And frankly, using my body in intimacy with my husband, versus using it to do the laundry, are two extremely different experiences on the mind and heart. As they should be. To ignore this, is to do a great deal of injustice to the marriage and both partners.

      This is not to say that I don’t think open, generous and frank communication about any differences between both partners’ sexual drives, as well as personal effort and sacrifice to meet your partner’s needs is not absolutely necessary! It is so necessary! It is on both parties to understand what the other person needs and to figure out how to make that work. But the whole, it’s just like any other “duty”, really gets to me, because I think it does a great disservice to the act, the marriage and the hearts and minds involved.

  10. Dina says:

    Maame, If you perhaps stop telling him your unattraction to him, and encourage his virtues you will find he will be more willing to do things to ensure your happiness. You have told him how you feel, he knows. Nagging him is not going to achieve this. Reminding him he hasnt done anything about his belly is just going to lower his self esteem. He doesnt want to be a failure in your eyes. You have to build him up in other ways so he knows without doubt he is the man you want. In return, he will want to be all he can be for you. He may never have the six pack you desire, but really, that shouldnt be an issue. Your ideal man, or anyone’s ideal man does not exist (or ideal woman). Physical attraction whilst important, shouldnt be anywhere near the foundations of a relationship, so if either of you lose the perceived attractive body, the relationship remains solid. I find chunky-ness attractive, does that mean a rippling sixpack would change my feelings for someone who fulfilled every other need I had, like your husband does with you? Not at all. Would I encourage him to get more wobbly just so I had a cushiony belly to lie on? No. Cos its not that important, and in my case, most likely damaging to his health :)
    I understand your annoyance, as it appears he doesnt care what you think. I suspect he cares very much, but without being encouraged and built up and esteemed, where is his motivation to change?
    WK recommends a book: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. If you havent read it, it is very worthwhile.

  11. maame says:

    Thanks guys. I appreciate all your comments. Will work at it.

  12. van Rooinek says:

    Much of that advice is good… but… cut carbs and hit the gym, too.

    Because, the cold hard fact, is that men can get everything they want from a woman, other than sex and children, from pure friendship. He will NOT pursue romance unless at some level you set off sexual sparks for him.

    Telling people (men or women) that they can “win” a spouse just by making themselves better communicators, more spiritually mature, etc, is just not true.

    Sexual appeal is part of the equation. Like or not, it just is.

  13. Christal says:

    I absolutely love your article. Excellent advise. If I would have known this earlier it would have saved me some years and tears. Thank you!

  14. This article should be entitled: “How to manipulate a man into marrying you.” Remaining unmarried and celibate is the best option that I teach my 3 sons as often as possible. I don’t want any grandchildren of mine to be brought up in this sewer called, “America.” I want my sons will be free and to stay that way; sex and romance are way over rated and very expensive; the math doesn’t work out–the more money you make means the more money you spend. “Be responsible and settle down and get married” is the greatest form of manipulation to cajole young men into a life that’s fraught with many troubles as Paul says. Paul recommended being and remaining single (if possible) because it narrows down responsibility to just the Creator alone. Who cares about making more money and living longer (which are merely BS statistics of manipulation desperate women come up with) in this crummy world than is necessary when there’s better things waiting. Just because men don’t want the responsibility of marriage and a family doesn’t mean he’s not responsible. It takes responsibility to live and stay alive in this world so it doesn’t mean an uncommitted man isn’t responsible; it means he wants to be free to come and go as he pleases by choosing not to get married. Freedom to do what a man wants to do is good; tying him down so a woman can have security is good for her, bad for him. MGTOW is the way to go.

    • I’m sympathetic to your view. But I am a Christian, and I could see how two Christians can come together and serve God to produce MORE than they could as singles. That would be the exception to what you said.

      There is no “manipulation” as you put it. In my system of courting, the woman and the man both grow each other’s ability to serve God through study and practical effort. You’ve mischaracterized what is expected to occur in courtship.

      • It goes without saying that two people can do twice as much as one, but that’s not better, that’s just more people on the same mission. As a Marine we employed the “buddy system,” which makes the Marines a formidable force to be reckoned with because everybody backed up each other. When the mission changes sometimes the personnel does too. I’ve been on one-man missions and carried them out successfully. Not every mission requires 2 people and 2 people don’t guarantee the success of the mission. Sometimes a mission is a one-man job. … I do understand that this is your website so maybe I shouldn’t have chimed in because as you said, “in my system of courting.” Therefore, your logic wins the day making my response merely another opinion as frequent as belly buttons. I may have mischaracterized what YOU expect to occur in “courtship,” but have told the truth according to my paradigm regarding “courtship.” Good luck Wintery Knight; I trust you’ll find warmth. :-)

        • Thank you for your service, the USMC are my favorite branch of the military. I agree that the buddy system and bounding overwatch are awesome.

          No, you misunderstand me. I am not saying that two people do more than one. I am saying that marriage is ONLY PERMISSIBLE if the contribution to God’s purposes of the MARRIED COUPLE is more than BOTH individual contributions to God’s purposes of each person IN TOTAL.

          For example, suppose that a man on his own can get a BS and influence only his co-workers, but he is no good at saving money on his own. And a woman can get a BA and teach a class in her church. But together, the man is empowered to get a PhD, to write influential papers on intelligent design and philosophy of religion, and to save more of what he earns in order to donate more to the Alliance Defending Freedom, and the woman is empowered to get an MA, to influence college kids AND to teach in church, and have 4 children whom she raises.

          Men should agree with everything you say about MGTOW – which I agree should be the DEFAULT position for men. But if a woman came along who wanted to put in the work on courtship that I ask of her for my plan in order to prove to me that she is not the customer of the relationship, but that God is, then I would consider marriage. And only then. The default position is MGTOW, and me using my power and resources to serve God as a single. I do not marry for the benefit of any woman, but only for God. And if I marry, it will be to a woman who is content to be #2, as I am content to be #2 in her heart behind God.

  15. Fair enough. Your gentle answers are appreciated and indicative of a gentle soul, which is a good thing.

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